Chapter 182: Beauty/Identity
"I'm getting so fat!"
"Abby?" Tim had been in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, getting ready for bed. He stepped out and saw Abby staring at her backside in the mirror on her closet door, well, glaring at it in the mirror, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why.
On the way home from Gibbs' they'd picked up her maid of honor dress, and she was trying it on.
Back when Ziva picked bridesmaids dresses out, she'd had one pregnant bridesmaid and one who had just miscarried, so to say that she had no decent way of figuring out how her ladies would look in a month, when the dresses would be ready, was an understatement.
So, she had pulled all of her tactical thinking skills together, along with all of her fashion skills, and decided that anyone of any shape looks good in a strapless dress with an empire waist and a flowing crepe skirt that fell to just above the knees.
And, Tim would completely agree with that. He thinks Abby looks great in the ivory gown with a band of baby pink beading just below the breasts.
But she's staring at herself and scowling. Shifting from the back view to the side view, and scowling even more.
So he turns to look at her in the mirror. Maybe she looks different reflected? Nope.
"You look great."
"I look fat!"
He stared at her intently for a few seconds. "Nope. I can still see your tarsals, carpals, and clavicles. Not fat. Trust me, I'd know." At least on his body, being able to easily see his wrist, ankle, and collar bones is a very good sign of not having crossed the line between fit and plump.
"I have two chins when I tilt my head down." She says, head down, wiggling the offensive flap of skin.
"So does everyone." He demonstrates by looking down, and then tilts his head up. "You wouldn't be able to look up if you didn't have that skin there."
"My butt is huge!" She's looking at her backside again.
He's realizing that this is not a discussion where rational argument is going to help. They just went to the doctor today, so he knows she's gained fourteen pounds which is exactly where she should be for twenty weeks pregnant. So he retreats to the bathroom, puts his toothbrush back, and quickly rinses his mouth. Then he came out again, (she appeared to be studying her thighs and not liking what she was seeing) stepped behind her, and placed one hand on each hip, and began gently caressing the butt in question.
"It's soft and round and curvy."
"Stop that!" She looks like she wants to sulk, but he's not playing along, not on this. No one calls Abby ugly or fat, not in front of him, not even Abby.
"Nope. You, and this butt that appears to be annoying you, are absolutely delicious." He'd press up tight behind her, but he's naked, and though he's fairly sure his skin is dry and clean, this is a white dress so he can't risk getting any stains on it, so he stays a step back as his hands trace from her butt to her belly and breasts. "You are not fat. You are exactly the shape you're supposed to be right now, and I adore it."
He very carefully unhooked the top of the dress and pulled the zip down, then lifted it off of her, and draped it over her dresser. "Can't risk getting that stained or rumpled."
She's not exactly looking happy at him, but she's not as annoyed as she was a minute ago either.
He closes on her again, and turns her toward the mirror. Under the dress she had on a strapless bra and nothing else. He stood right behind her, and undid the bra, tossing it in the delicates hamper.
Then he pressed in close, erection rubbing against her butt as his hands stroked from her neck down her arms, fingers twining with hers.
"You're beautiful, Abby. And yeah, you're bigger than you used to be, but you aren't fat. You're all round and soft, ripe, succulent, and it drives me crazy because all I want to do is constantly rub up against you." He kissed her shoulder, and stroked her thighs, then ground his pelvis against her. "Feel that? Your body does that to mine." That got a smile out of her. "Half the time I'm in the lab these days, I've got a hard-on from watching you. You in those little dresses or skirts, tummy and breasts all plump and round. If Gibbs didn't have a habit of wandering down every ten minutes when I go down there, I'd have you bent over your desk, panties round your ankles, balls deep inside you, feeling you bite my hand to muffle your screams, my mouth on your shoulder for the same reason, every single day, twice on paperwork days."
She giggles a little at that, perking up as his fingers find her nipples.
"I have noticed that. You come down, and these days within ten minutes he does, too."
"Yeah, well, he's not blind, so he's noticed how good you look. And it's not like he just met me, so he's not exactly having a hard time figuring out how I'm responding to it or what I'm likely to want to do about it. And not to put too fine a point on it, but he was here once, too. I'm sure he remembers what it feels like to have a delicious pregnant wife."
That got another laugh, and she looked at herself again, less critically, but still less than thrilled at her current shape. "Not fat?"
"Not fat. Round, soft, ripe, succulent, scrumptious, exquisite… fertile. Think about it, on its most basic level that's what female beauty is to a man. Signs of fertility." His hands ghost over her breasts, belly, and hips. "Biology means I want to make babies. So you pregnant with my kid is going to hit all of my buttons, hard, fist slammed down on them pressing your full weight into them. Nothing is ever going to get to me the way this does. And it does, it really does, in a pure, balls in charge, brain isn't even checking in, oh god, SEX! YES! level. On a pure biology level, the only reason I exist is to get you pregnant, keep you pregnant, and make sure your and our kid survive. So… I guess what I'm saying is, I'm going to be a really unsympathetic audience for complaining about how you look, because all I see is SEX!, sex, sex, sex, sex, with a side of MINE! My woman. My baby." He kissed her neck, hands cradling her belly. "So, no, not fat. Not fat at all. Perfect. And if you asked Jimmy or Tony or Gibbs they'd tell you the same thing, not fat at all."
"I still think my butt looks huge."
He shook his head. "You're welcome to think that, but I don't."
"And your opinion is the only one that matters?"
"Damn right! My opinion on the subject seems to make both of us happy. Your opinion makes neither of us happy. So let's stick with mine."
She rolled her eyes a little. "I don't look like me."
Ahhh… Identity issues, not just changing body. That makes sense to him. It's something he's facing as well. But it's nothing he's got a set or easy answer for.
He kissed her shoulder, and Kelly took that moment to start kicking. The soft, fluttery sensation beneath his fingers helped him get his thoughts in order.
"I'll hand my badge and gun to Vance, but I'll still be me. You'll get rounder, look less like Abby, but you'll still be you. But you and I won't be the Tim or Abby we were. Just like Jimmy and Breena aren't the people they were before Jon and Molly. But they're still Jimmy and Breena, and we still love them and want to be with them."
She smiles a little at that, wrapping her arms around his neck. "It feels really weird to look in the mirror and have to take a second to realize who I'm looking at."
"I bet it does. I feel that way when I see pictures of myself over the years."
"But not when you look in the mirror?"
"I gained and lost the weight slowly enough that there was never a 'who the hell is that' moment. Okay, once… Remember when I buzzed my hair off?"
"Yeah. I love you, and I will always love you, but please, don't ever do that again."
Abby laughs at that. "That was a pretty bad look for you."
"Yeah, I know I knew about a third of the way through that haircut, but by that point I was committed." He trailed his fingers down her arm, over her ribs and down to her hip. "I love you. I love this version of you. I'm going to love the version you'll be in three months, and the version you were three months ago. Kelly comes out, and everything is going to be droopy and saggy and I'm still going to love you."
"Don't remind me of that part. Breena's got horror stories of how bad she looked after Molly came out."
"Breena looked fine after Molly was born."
"You didn't see her naked."
"True. She still looked fine."
Abby turns in his arms to face him, placed a quick kiss on his lips and says, "Tim, besides her nursing breasts, did you notice anything, at all, about Breena after she gave birth?"
He flashes her his innocent look. "I kept up a strict policy of never looking below Breena's neck when she was nursing."
That gets a smile out of Abby. "Liar."
"Yes." He smiles back, and kisses the tip of her nose. "They really were fantastic."
His fingers find her breasts, and gently stroke over the sides. "And I'm going to be staring at yours all the time, too. If what Jimmy tells me about nursing breast being a look but don't touch sort of thing is true, I'll be looking and probably taking pictures, too."
He smiles and kisses her. "For you, always."