Fan fic, original fic, fic recs, and artwork by Keryl Raist.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Shards To A Whole: Chapter 424: Deep Thoughts (Reprise)
McGee-centric character study/romance. Want to start at the beginning? Click here.
Chapter 425: Deep Thoughts (Reprise)
Tim is a snuggler. He wasn’t always. Back before they were dating he was very careful about touching people, and making sure not to invade anyone’s personal space. But now… that’s part of how Abby can tell that Tim’s feeling happy and comfortable; he’ll touch people.
And sleeping Tim… Sleeping Tim has always (well, as long as she’s been sleeping with him, granted, in the coffin it’s not like there was much in the way of non-snuggling options) been a snuggler. Abby has mentioned to both Breena and Ziva how, no matter how big the bed, or hot it is, Tim will immediately snuggle himself against her. If she’s in a ‘don’t touch me’ mood, he’ll keep his hand near her. If she leaves the bed, he rolls into the warm spot she’s left, and as soon as she gets back, he’s glued to her again. It’s cute, and, especially in the summer, kind of hot and sweaty, but she’s well-used to the fact that she’s got a large, affection-seeking teddy bear in her bed at night.
She’s also noticed, that since the attack, he’s even more snuggly. If she’s in the bed, he wants to be wrapped around her. And, especially right after the attack, he’s wanted physical contact, with her, or Kelly, or Gibbs or Jimmy or Breena or anyone who happens to be nearby.
Abby’s not even sure if he’s aware of the fact that if he’s sitting next to someone, he’ll have his hand or foot brushing theirs. She does know he’s aware of the fact that whenever she’s near, he touches her. And all of this makes perfect sense to her.
However, in that right now pregnant bladder makes her want to leap out of bed the second she’s awake, and in that Tim will scoot into where she was, in search of someone warm to wrap around, she and Breena have been running a private pool as to exactly how long it would be before Jimmy wakes up with Tim hugging him.
They’ve both been amused to see Tim’s keeping just enough of his awake mind in place that when Abby gets up, he’s not snuggling into Jimmy. He stays put when Abby gets out of bed.
Until this morning.
Like every other morning, Abby’s woken up feeling like her bladder is the size of a thimble and trying to hold a Mega-Gulp Caf-Pow. But, unlike the last three mornings, this time, as she heads back, she sees that Tim has indeed snuggled up to Jimmy, who is also, apparently, deep enough asleep to not have noticed.
She feels a huge smile spread across her face, and detours to the dresser for her phone. Ten or so photos later, she’s done. Jimmy’s on his back, face pointed toward Breena, lips against her forehead. She’s on her side, neck over his arm, leg over his, arm across his chest. Tim’s on the other side, fetal position, as close as he can get with his face against Jimmy’s shoulder, and his lower shins against Jimmy’s hip and outer thigh.
Abby hops into bed, snuggling up against Tim’s back, resting her arm against his hip, waiting to see what happens as the guys start to wake up.
Jimmy’s very used to waking up to the sensation of someone breathing on his shoulder. That’s an every morning sort of thing.
So, he’s pretty sure that’s not what’s jerking him from asleep to ‘something’s really wrong’ full-on awake.
It takes him a second to place himself, and okay, yeah, Breena’s exactly where she normally is. Okay, good, so… what…
He turns his head and notices that warm, damp, scratchy sensation on his right shoulder is Tim, sound asleep, curled up between him and Abby, who is propped on her elbow, watching this with a huge smile on her face.
Morning. She mouths silently at him.
Jimmy closes his eyes and tries to rub his face, but as he lifts his right arm, Tim snuggles in closer, one of his legs slipping over Jimmy’s. He’s not yet awake enough to notice the person he wants to be rubbing that hard-on against is behind him and not in front of him.
So, Jimmy just lays there, not sure what to do with this, kind of wishing Abby wasn’t grinning so much about it. It’s not bad or anything, kind of annoying. Stubbly chin pressed into his shoulder is making him think that he’s got to be a bit more careful about what he does with Breena first thing, because if his face is really that scratchy, that’s kind of appalling.
He’s looking at Abby with a sort of Would you please get between us expression.
And she looks back with No room.
After four mornings of waking up together, Jimmy’s pretty sure what Tim likes to do when he wakes up, and he’s just not really interested in having another guy’s morning wood rubbed against him. He can already feel it hot on his hip and that’s a bit more closely acquainted with Tim’s dick then he ever hoped to get.
So, he gets his right arm up and gently pokes Tim. “Hey, wake up.”
Sleeping, nice, warm happy sleeping. “Hey, wake up.”
Tim doesn’t want to wake up. He wants to be sleeping, but there’s an arm moving around and… Okay, body heat on both sides of him, and that’s nice, he likes that a lot, so he shifts further forward, leg slipping over the hip in front of him, feeling… Wait… Hair, lots of hair… Okay… This is not… Shit, is that a testicle on my leg?
Tim makes a very confused sort of sound.
Yeah, it is. He goes perfectly still and stiff, not even breathing, as he tries to figure out what the hell is going on. Warm on both sides, the body in front of him is VERY much not Abby. Jimmy. Oh God. Tim knows how he usually wakes up rubbing against Abby, and he feels a flash of mortification, hoping he wasn’t just sexually assaulting Jimmy. Then it hits him he’s still cuddled up against him. A second after that, eyes still closed, he scoots backward, leg slipping off Jimmy’s, while mumbling, “Uh, sorry.”
“No problem. Just, know how you like to wake up. Would have been awkward.”
“Uh… yeah.” Because this isn’t awkward, at all. Tim can feel Abby behind him, and starts to roll in that direction, until his arm reminds him that he still can’t lay on his right side. He’s on his back, and she’s on her side next to him. He lightly nips her on the shoulder quietly saying as he nods to between him and Jimmy, “Would you get over there?”
So she does, quietly giggling, spending a moment straddling him, taking advantage of his supine position and morning erection (which he enjoys), before settling herself between him and Jimmy, on her side, completely naked, only two inches from Jimmy as Tim cuddles up against her back.
“Mmmm…” He’s still sounding very sleepy, (feeling sleepy, too, wondering how much earlier than usual they woke up) rocking gently against her, face pressed against the nape of her neck. “His hip is pretty boney. Yours isn’t.”
She can see Jimmy roll his eyes at that, as she grins.
“Speak for yourself, sandpaper chin.”
He very lightly rubs his chin against Abby’s neck. “It’s not that bad, is it?”
“Not like that, it’s not. But you were full-on pressed into his shoulder. That can be prickly.”
“And drooly.” Jimmy adds.
“Oh.” He gently strokes against her neck again, and she shivers a bit. “But this is good, right?”
“Yeah, that’s good.”
He does it again, slow and light, followed by a slow, light kiss to the back of her neck as he rocks gently against her bum. “That good, too?”
She shifts him a bit, so he can slide between her legs. “Mmmm…”
“He’s close enough you can feel how warm he is, right?” Tim asks. Blankets are all about hip high, and Abby’s maybe two inches away from Jimmy, so her bare torso is very close to his.
“Like to wake up like this? Between us?”
That gets a little, content purr.
“Barely awake, not sure who’s doing what.” His voice is low, basically just whispering the words. Jimmy can hear them, but Tim’s hoping that if Breena’s still asleep, they won’t wake her.
“Dreaming of us, not sure if it’s real or not.” Her leg hooks over his hip, and she takes him in hand, giving him some help with the angle as he slips into her, biting gently on her neck, inhaling sharply at the feel of her on him. “Waking up all wet and slick, aching for it.” He thrusts gently, looking up over her shoulder for a second. He can see half of Abby’s face, so he knows her eyes are open, and she’s smiling. He can see all of Jimmy’s, knows how the two of them are watching each other. Faces inches apart, not kissing, but holding smoldering hot eye contact. Jimmy’s very lightly stroking himself, just the tips of his fingers dragging over his dick. Abby’s rubbing herself, too. They’re close enough her knuckles are probably brushing Jimmy’s hip as she does it.
Abby’s pace is quick and steady, like all morning sex, this is fast. “Should I hold your hands, Abby? Both wrists above your head? I’ll thrust, and Jimmy can rub you off.”
Jimmy’s eyes jerk up to Tim’s, not sure if this story is real or not, and he gives a little shake to his head, not because he doesn’t want him to touch Abby, but because Breena’s still asleep, and this isn’t a line they’re crossing without all four of them in on it, awake, and sober.
Abby’s moving faster, getting close, and Tim pulls his eyes away from Jimmy, focusing on the wet, tight slip of her body against his, the rising crest of the pleasure of this. He lets himself go, steeping in the way she feels on him, and when she starts to pulse, he thrusts a little faster, joining her in a few strokes.
Long drive home with a sleeping baby means lots of time to talk, and given how this weekend went, Tim’s thinking talking is a good plan.
“So… how does being bi work?” he asks as they get onto 95, starting the trek north.
Abby laughs a little at that. “Weekend got you thinking?”
“Looking at Jimmy different?”
He opens and closes his mouth. “Sort of… maybe… Shit. I don’t know… I don’t want to fuck him, but…”
“But you liked watching. Liked watching in a way you usually don’t?” After all, she’s seen how Tim watches porn, seen how he reacts to that, and to Jimmy and Breena, both at the club and this weekend. “And waking up snuggled with him wasn’t bad, was it?”
Tim rolls his eyes a bit at the snuggling suggestion. No, it wasn’t bad but… It wasn’t comfortable, either. But, it’s also something he hasn’t thought nearly as much about as the sex stuff, so it’s going on the back burner until he’s got some processing time.
The sex, on the other hand, that he’s thought about. “Thought it’d be…” he feels a little silly about this, but it’s true, “live action porn, you know? Extra sexy because it’s real, but I’d be staring at Breena, enjoying her, and Jimmy’d just sort of be there.”
“But that wasn’t it, was it?”
“No, and... So… How’s it work?”
Abby laughs a little at that. “I’ve never been anything but bi, so… I don’t know. How’s being straight work?” She’s mostly asking because she wants to understand how this works for him, because she’s going to have a much easier time building off that than going into this based on how she assumes he reacts to the women around him.
Tim shrugs, and thinks for a mile, watching the traffic, then says, “Okay, I’m aware of the fact that the world is filled with guys and girls. And the girls, even ones who aren’t very pretty, are all much more interesting to me than the guys. And the ones who are very pretty are more interesting to me than just about anything else. And the guys… I’ve got friends. There are guys I enjoy, guys I love, but… they’re personalities, and I don’t care about, or even look at, much, their bodies. My guy friends could be brains in jars with a voice for all I care about their physical bodies. I know what an ‘attractive’ guy looks like, but, beyond trying to see how I measure up to them, which I don’t really do anymore, it doesn’t matter to me. For girls… it took an embarrassingly long time to get to the point where I routinely started seeing the person in the body rather than the body. I mean… you know I’ve done a pretty good job of not… acting like it. I can be friendly and professional and… I can… not shut it down, but keep it in the background, but it’s always there. I always see the body first, and it used to be a lot more intense than it is now. ”
Abby smiles at that. “What’s an embarrassingly long time?”
“I got honey trapped by a pair of big blue eyes and really nice boobs when I was in my thirties. An embarrassingly long time.”
“After we hooked-up?”
“Yeah. Apparently, it’s easier to see women as people and not sex on legs if I’m getting laid regularly.”
Abby giggles at that. “I love the fact you’re honest about stuff like this.”
“With you.” He glances away from traffic to her. “Penny could tie me up by my toenails, and I’m never admitting that.”
“That’s because you aren’t stupid.”
He inclines his head, accepting the compliment. “Sooo…” Tell me how it works for you.
“Sooo… Okay, my sense is I’m not typical on this, but I rarely just look at someone and think, ‘Wow, gotta get some of that!’ It happens, but it’s not common.”
“Does it happen with both sexes?”
She nods at that. “Guys more often than girls, but yeah, with both. What happens much more commonly is that I see someone who makes me interested for some other reason… I liked your voice. You sounded adorably nervous and a little flustered, and that got me intrigued because that’s not a usual personality for a cop. So, how’d you end up with a badge? We had lunch, we hit it off, and… well, usually, if I like someone, and I’m interested in them, then I want to know all about them, and sex is part of that. So… I haven’t slept with everyone I’ve been friends with, haven’t wanted to, but most of the people I meet and like, then I want to see what sex with them is like.”
A horrifying thought hops into Tim’s mind. “Are you saying you would have done Tony?”
“Eww… no! I knew he’d be good for a good time, but he’d never respect me after, so he went on the NOPE column. Actually, that was a big reason for not making a move on Gibbs beyond flirting. I could see that the next morning he’d get weird on me. And God was I right. You remember him and Jen? He had no idea how to deal with her. But the first time I saw Kate, I knew she was special. Would have jumped her in a heartbeat. And… if Ducky had been fifteen years younger--”
“Wait, you met him back in… 1999? Right?”
“So, he was, what sixty-five then?”
“Sounds about right. I was twenty-five, and twenty-five years older than me is my upper limit, so… yeah.”
That astounds him. He knows Abby’s got really specific dating rules, but he didn’t know they were that specific. “You actually know, in that much detail, where your upper limit is?”
Tim shakes his head. “No. I’ve never given it any thought.”
Abby shrugs. “You probably didn’t get hit on a lot by older women.”
Tim nods. “Yeah… Let’s see… You. Diane. And, yep, there’s the end of the list.”
“I’ve been getting hit on by older guys since I was sixteen. Good plan to draw the line early and stick to it.”
“Ah.” He thinks about that for a moment. “So, you’re basically saying, that if you like someone enough to be their friend, you also like them enough, most of the time, to sleep with them?”
“Yeah, that’s how it works for me. Unless there’s some sort of warning sign or red flag saying, ‘Nope, this’ll turn out bad,’ I’m interested.”
Tim thinks about that for a moment. “Yeah, that’s really not what’s going on.”
Abby smiles and nods. “Like I said, I’m probably not typical. And no one expects you, or Jimmy, to suddenly decide that after thirty plus years of only wanting to sleep with girls, that now you’re all hot for each other.”
Tim nods at that.
“Look, whatever level of messing around and playing you want to do, I’m going to be supportive of. This is fun, and love, and… playing… really, that’s it. This is playing with our best friends, exploring things that make us happy. And if it’s ever not that, then we won’t do it. So, we stay where we’re comfortable, and… if you want to play with Jimmy… I mean, I don’t know where his comfortable zone is. Like you, he’s probably doing a lot of thinking, but you were having pretty bad nightmares the one night, and once we got you calmed down, he snuggled you while I was in the bathroom.”
“What?” Tim had not known that. He’d certainly noticed waking up snuggled into Jimmy, and feeling weird about that, but…
“No biggie. He looked a little weirded out by it, because you were both naked, but he did it, because love and comfort and supporting each other is part of this.”
“How weirded out?”
Abby shrugs. “I don’t know. Like it was making him think. We didn’t talk about it. He was more weirded out by you snuggling in while he was asleep.”
“Well, yeah, another two seconds and I would have started frotting on him, and that would have been weird.”
“So, there’s your line. No sex. If it changes, it changes. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.” They drive for another few miles. Abby’s humming along with the music; she can see Tim’s thinking, then something else occurs to her. Tim really likes labels. He likes order and knowing what goes where and when and how. And whatever is going on, this is probably challenging his deeply internalized labels.
“Most of the queer people I know pick their terms by what they usually like. First and foremost it’s about attraction, not action, and secondly there are no hard and fast rules on this. One of my lesbian friends is married to a man. She likes girls. That’s her main thing. But this one guy showed up and he was really special, and they just clicked, in a way no one else ever clicked for her. But she’s not straight because she’s married to a man. She’s not bi because she’s not attracted to men. She loves this one specific guy, and the fact that that’s true doesn’t make her suddenly not a lesbian, and the reason it doesn’t make her not a lesbian is because women are what turns her on. I didn’t stop being bi because we got together. The fact that I’m primarily having sex with men didn’t suddenly turn me straight, and if I’d hooked up with Kate, that wouldn’t have made me a lesbian. Breena likes men. She’s straight. She’s still straight when she’s making out with me because it’s about attraction, not about who you’re playing with. If you and Jimmy ever get to the point where you’re seriously playing with each other, you’re still straight, too. If you ever get to the point where you are checking out the guys in the gym and getting flustered at them, having a hard time seeing the guy in the body, then you’re bi.”
Tim nods at that, and Abby’s thinking she hit what was running around in his head.
Long drive, good thinking time, especially with two napping infants in the back.
Jimmy’s watching the road, glad that Breena’s either thinking, too, or knows that he needs some time in his own head today.
He said yes.
“Do you want to see your wife come on my cock?”
Breena came when he said yes. He could feel it, she was so tight and so close, but not quite there, and he was, too. So close. And he said yes, and she moaned and twitched, shuddering on him, rippling against his body, nails digging into his thighs.
He’d been so in it. When he and Breena tell stories, he’s always still in his real life. Usually he’s more focused on what they’re actually doing than the stories. He likes them and all, and they’re good and sexy, but he never falls into them, not like he did last night.
Eyes closed, all four voices, Breena rocking on him, he could see it, and feel it, there were times when he had a hard time remembering he could use his hands, and… God, he wanted it. He said yes because he wanted it. Only reason he didn’t come when he said yes was that Tim had told him not to. He’d been so close, felt his balls go tight and the tingles a breath away from starting, he’d even pulsed once, one hard twitch, before he yanked his brain away and gave his balls a really hard squeeze to shut it down.
He could see it, Abby between his legs, squirming against his dick, her back soft and warm against him, and Breena in front of him, Abby licking her out, Tim standing behind her, holding her leg and breast and slipping over her again and again, his dick wet and shiny with Breena’s cum, slipping between her lips, just edging her closer and closer, and finally asking him, and that ‘yes’ just ripped right out of him because he wanted it, all of it, so much.
Tied up, helpless, watching another guy fuck his wife.
He said yes.
He’s not supposed to want that. Right? That’s the bridge too far. Right? It’s one thing to share a women, plenty of guys do that, but… he wasn’t sharing, he was letting Tim and Abby take over. Let them turn him into a passive watcher in that fantasy.
But it was so hot, hit buttons he didn’t know he had, and when he said yes, he wanted it more than pretty much anything he’d ever wanted before.
For all the kinks Jimmy’s got, and he’s got more than a few of them, watching another guy fuck his wife isn’t (wasn’t?) one of them. Sex in public, sure. Quickies where anyone can find you, oh yeah. Being watched, loves that. Shoes, God yes! Spankings, not often, but when he’s in the right mood, yes, please! Watching, yes, he likes that, too. But, tied up, helpless while another guy fucks Breena two inches from his face, makes him watch, gets her off, makes her moan and beg…
“God Tim, fuck me, please!”
They’ve played with this idea before. Breena’s told him stories of the four of them. He was watching Tim and Abby go at it all weekend. And he knew, saying yes to this, that he’s moving them closer to swapping or swinging or foursoming or… oring, whatever.
He knew he was going to like anything involving the girls with each other. When Tim first suggested that, his dick was more or less jumping up and down cheering on that idea. He was fairly sure he was going to like watching Tim and Abby together. Live porn! What’s not to like? Watching them at the club was awesome, and they didn’t even get the full show then. He knew he was going to like getting watched. He’s known that about himself for a long time. Part of loving quickies and danger sex is loving the rush of the idea of someone else catching him, seeing it. (Hell, he’s had this fantasy of someone else watching, getting so turned on they can’t not touch themselves, and jerking off from it for years, and this weekend hit all of those buttons with a sledge hammer. That was amazing!)
But he didn’t expect he’d want to see Tim fuck Breena. He was kind of aware of the idea that it’d probably happen sooner or later. And he thought he was okay with the idea, because he’d be sharing Breena with Tim, or fooling around with Abby at the same time, but he didn’t expect to be more than okay.
He didn’t expect saying yes to make his cock twitch and practically spurt.
It was just a fantasy, but he fell into it so fast. He can’t believe how fast he sunk into it, how deep he went. Could feel the silk on his wrists, could see Breena standing over him, Abby’s lips on her pussy, Tim’s hands, mouth, and dick on her, and…
“You okay?” Breena asks.
He jerks slightly at that. “Uh. Yeah… Think so. Why?”
“You want me to drive? You don’t look all there.”
“Um… No. I’m good.”
He shrugs. “Thinking.”
“About last night?”
“Yeah. You got off when I said ‘yes.’”
Breena nods at that. “Liked hearing you say it.”
He nods, too.
“Felt you twitch when you said it. Thought you’d gotten off, too. You were really close, right?”
He nods again. Good thing Breena was already coming, because he had to pull his hand away from her to stop himself getting off. If he’d been less deep into the fantasy, he would have realized he had two working hands, but he was sure his left hand was tied.
“Was that okay?”
He shrugs. “Thinking about it.”
“Me and Tim and Abby?” They’ve played versions of that fantasy before, and it never seemed to bug him in the past, but she can feel an edge to him right now, and isn’t sure what’s causing it.
“Maybe…” He smiles at her, trying to be reassuring. “I’m… good with all three of you. That didn’t change. I’m not quietly melting down or freaking out over here, at least… not on that level…”
She shrugs, silly isn’t a problem. “Doesn’t matter. Something pops up, we talk about it. That way something that’s silly now doesn’t turn into trouble later.”
He smiles at that, too.
“Pops up, that’s a way to put it…” He shakes his head and bites his lip. “I almost got off when I said yes, too. Would have if I hadn’t grabbed myself.”
She’s watching him carefully, waiting to see what else he says.
He shakes his head again.
“Me and Tim, that’s bugging you?”
“No… not… how I’m reacting to it is bugging me.”
“Thought you liked it. That’s how it felt.”
“I did like it. That’s why it’s bugging me.”
Breena’s eyes narrow. “Would you rather be pissed at him?”
“No! But… It wasn’t just nice… I really liked it. I liked all of it. Tied up, helpless, watching him and Abby fuck you. I’m half-hard just thinking about it. I’m having a much easier time dealing with holding him naked and feeling him rubbing up against my hip this morning than that.”
Breena’s eyebrows scrunch together. She’d woken up at the tail end of Abby getting off, and immediately had her hands full of very horny Jimmy. She and Abby got a few minutes alone to talk while they were getting packed up. Basically, the guys woke up together (which was insanely cute, she cooed over the pictures) and then both of them kind of freaked out, followed by Tim more or less tossing her between the two of them and both of them proving exactly how heterosexual they are by hopping on her immediately. And, given exactly how enthusiastic Jimmy was this morning (not that she minded or anything, but morning sex is usually a lot more relaxed)… she’s not thinking Abby’s diagnosis as to what was going on was far off.
“You like watching people have sex…” Breena leads, trying to help Jimmy work this out.
“Yeah. I know. Part of why feeling weird about this is hitting me. And, yeah, deeper level, the idea of watching you and Abby was just fine. I liked that a lot and I’m not feeling weird about it at all. Hell, I even know the anthropology about sperm competition and how some male mammals get off on seeing their mates with another male. I intellectually know how this works.” He bites his tongue. “But it still feels weird that it hit me that hard…” He sighs and puts it into words. “This weekend was an amazing cornucopia of sex, and the thing that hit me hardest was him asking my permission to fuck you.” Jimmy thinks for a second, that’s not quite right. “No… he didn’t ask my permission, he asked me if I wanted to see him fuck you. That hit harder than watching Abby suck my cum off your tongue, and… I don’t know what to do with that.”
“Do you have to do anything with it?”
He shrugs at that, too.
“Only fifty miles to go!” Abby says, looking at the GPS display on their phone. Traffic snarled in Richmond, and all of the alternative routes they could find were also moving at about ten miles an hour. Finally, they’re starting to pick up speed again.
“Yay.” Tim says weakly.
“At least Kelly’s conked out again.”
“Amen on that.” In order to get out of the traffic, they stopped for an early dinner, hoping it would have eased up by the time they were done.
Didn’t work that way, they ate, let Kelly run (toddle) around, got back in the car, drove for a nicely zippy ten miles, and found themselves right back in the same snarl, just slightly further down the road.
“What was I dreaming about? You know…”
Abby nods. “The usual.”
“Anything new?” He doesn’t remember the dream, or any of it.
“Something about it’s supposed to hurt, stop crying and taking it like a man.”
Tim thinks for a few minutes on that, looking for what memory that was. “Oh.” Been years since he thought of that. “He was on land when my first real girlfriend broke up with me. Somehow my mom had the insane idea that we should have some sort of man to man talk about it.”
“Yeah, it went just as well as you think it did. He was okay with the idea that I was bummed out about her dumping me, and if he could have taken me out for a beer and a strip joint, he probably would have been able to deal with it, but that’s not appropriate with a fifteen-year-old. So, he didn’t know how to cheer me up, and I was crying over it, and I couldn’t stop crying, and he got more and more upset about me crying, and then he decided since yelling at me to stop crying wasn’t doing to job, to double down and hit me on every reason why a girl would break up with me, supposedly ‘giving me pointers for next time’ and… Yeah, that was one of the less pleasant days of my life.”
Tim nods his head in agreement. “On the upside, Mom had gone out with Sarah, left us together for ‘man time’ and apparently she had some sort of little fantasy of us talking and commiserating and getting closer together or something. She gets home, he’s got steam pouring out of his ears, and I’m in my room, sobbing. She left Sarah with him, took me out for ice cream, told me it was okay to cry when you lose something you love, and that he was being a dork about it. That made me feel better. Then we got home and she yelled at him for not doing his job right, and that his job was to comfort me, not make me feel worse. So, bad day, but that was one of my better nights.”
“What happened next?”
“He turned bright red, stormed out, and we didn’t see him for two days. I think he called, because Mom was in a really sad mood the next day, and she wouldn’t say why, just shook her head when I asked.”
The idea that that’s one of his better nights makes Abby’s heart hurt.
He squeezes her hand, maybe it is the talking about this stuff with Wolf, or just… letting it out more, but stories like that are starting to hurt less in the telling. “So, what happened? I’m doing my usual talking in my sleep, and you’re cuddling me…” He knows she does that, because sometimes he wakes up in the middle of it, and sometimes she tells or asks him about it later.
“He woke up in full-on ‘go get crying baby’ mode, took a few seconds to realize crying baby wasn’t the problem. I kept cuddling you, trying to pull you out of it, he petted your face a little and added his voice to it, you slipped back into normal sleep, and by that time my bladder was going to explode, so I gave you to him, took care of business, came back a minute later, and snuggled in between you two.”
“You said he was acting weird about it. What do you mean?”
She waves that away. “Nothing concrete, just the sense that it had him thinking. Once I got back into bed, you curled around me, and he scooted a few inches over, back into Breena. I fell asleep pretty quick, but I noticed as I was drifting off that he reached over and held your hand. He was still doing it when I woke up in the morning. Beyond that, you’ve got to talk to him about it.”
“You and Breena didn’t?”
“Yeah, Breena and I did, but neither of us are Jimmy, so…”
“We talked about this morning, too.”
“Of course. She okay?”
“She thought the pictures were adorable.”
“You took pictures?”
“Yeah! My three favorite people are snuggling, of course I’m taking pictures.” She’s driving right now. “Go in my purse, get my phone and look at them.”
“Why don’t you want to?”
“I…” That’s actually a good question. He goes and gets her phone. Not too hard to find the photos, they’re the newest of the bunch. He’s analyzing composition and lighting, which makes him think that he’s got some walls up against really dealing with the image.
Walls he’s trying not to have.
He looks, really looks. They’re sweet. Any other three people on earth and he’d, well, not coo, but that shot (of three other people) would cause a warm feeling of, ‘oh, how nice.’ In that it’s him, Jimmy, and Breena… he doesn’t know what he’s feeling.
He looks at Abby, putting down the phone. “Why does this matter? If you or Breena were in the middle, it wouldn’t be an issue. If she was snuggled into his side, and I was spooned up on her back, we’d all be happy and fine. Even just sleeping, the three of us, not sex at all, it’d be fine.” He touches her phone, indicating the pictures. “It’s not sex. Him hugging me, me cuddling against him, it’s not sex, so… Why does this feel weird?”
“Why does the sex part matter? You’re not attracted to him, that’s fine, but… Breena’s not particularly attracted to me, either, but the two of us making out isn’t ‘weird.’”
He stares up at the car ceiling. “Uhhh…” That’s nothing that’s ever occurred to him. Of course sex would be different, right? He looks at the shots again, flicking through them, then through the much sexier ones that Abby took. (Apparently she took pictures of Jimmy oiling Breena up and playing with her. He’d been far enough out of it that he hadn’t noticed. He flips a bit further, and realizes he took some pictures, too. Some really good pictures… Abby’s butt and Breena’s boobs in one shot, he likes that a lot, and decides now is a really good time to close the photo ap because he does not need to get distracted.) “I don’t know, but… It does, you know?”
“If I had to guess, it’s that you spent your whole childhood being told that this was the most awful thing you could do or be, and your brain knows it’s not, but it’s still in there, and that’s why this feels weird, and why the fact that it feels weird annoys you.”
He shrugs, that’s likely true. “I was thinking about it, on the beach, making myself imagine playing with Jimmy, and it wasn’t gross or scary, but, I didn’t want to do it.”
“Yeah, but… okay, love and care and joy and… and it feels weird to get comforted. On the beach, I felt cool with this and now it’s less cool and I just… I don’t want it to matter. He’s a guy, so what? It shouldn’t matter. Love the person, not the body, that’s what you and Penny say, right?”
Abby nods. “You do love him, right?”
“Yes. A lot. Probably,” and he feels weird saying this but he does, because it’s true, “more than anyone who isn’t you.”
“Well, sex and love aren’t the same thing. You love the person, great. Maybe you’ll never be comfortable with too much in the way of touching.”
“Fuck that! That feels like a massive, steaming pile of homophobic bullshit, and I am better than that!”
Abby sighs, wanting to pull over, curl into his lap, and kiss him.
“Patterns don’t shift overnight. Remember how long it took before you could bottom without it hurting? Your brain was into it way before your body got there. But it got there, because you wanted it. You want it to not matter, and you’ll get there. One touch at a time. This time five years ago, you couldn’t have slept naked in the same bed with him. Or… when he hugged you guys for the wedding presents—“
“You saw that?”
“Yeah, I was coming up and saw him pull the three of you in for a hug and you looked really surprised and jerked a little when he touched you, but you slid into the hug anyway. You don’t do that now.”
“Yeah.” He shakes his head a bit. “I don’t want to stop doing this. This weekend was awesome, and I loved it.”
“And not just hot sex all over the place, you know? Close and intimate and warm and it was really good.”
She’s smiling at that.
“But I don’t want to feel like I’ve got to jerk away if I touch Jimmy, and I don’t want to feel like I need to grab you if I do and show off how straight I am.”
“You heard that, huh?”
He nods. “And you’re probably right, that’s part of what I was doing. My first though on waking up was how nice it was to be warm and snuggly on all sides, I really liked it, so I scooted in further, then I figured out that soft fuzzy thing against my thigh was a testicle, and not one of mine, and I kind of freaked out at that. And Jimmy didn’t exactly feel relaxed about it, either, and… Shit… I don’t know. There’s got to be something in between wake up and give him a hand with his morning wood, and wake up and jump back as soon as I notice it’s not you or Breena.”
Abby nods. “Wake up, cuddle some, kiss him, kiss me, roll over when your arm’s up for it, and have at it while he’s at your back. That’s probably his skin not freaking you out, but you’re not actively fooling around with him, either.”
Tim thinks about that. Then he nods. “Not sure about kissing him, but… yeah, that’s the basic idea.”
They’d gotten on the road about an hour after Tim and Abby did, so they got the Stay the fuck away from Richmond; it’s a mess! text well ahead of the mess.
So, as Tim and Abby are finally just starting to pick up speed, Jimmy and Breena have parked the car, pulled the girls out, put them to bed, and crashed on their own sofa.
Unpacking can wait until tomorrow.
There’s a thought that’s been bopping around in Breena’s mind. Something Jimmy mentioned but didn’t stress, something she’s wondering about. She’s not sure if he’s aware of it, or if she’s on the right track or…
She’s just not sure.
So, yes, when she saw Abby slip that collar onto Tim, she knew what it meant and why Abby would do it. She was a bit surprised to see it there, and given the answer (and Abby adding in the next day that Tim’s a switch and can Dom or sub as the mood takes him) her surprise wandered off. That he’d like to have times where he’s not in charge, and others where he’s running the whole show, makes a lot of sense to her.
She doesn’t like running the show. She just doesn’t. They read 50 Shades, and she noticed that Jimmy seemed intrigued by the idea of power games, and she’s happy to sub, she likes having a set task and doing it perfectly, but she doesn’t like giving orders; that’s being at work; it’s not fun for her. But… she’s wondering, because Jimmy was interested, and maybe he wasn’t just interested in being the guy giving the orders.
It never hit her that he might like having someone take him over, partly because that’s (was, at the time) his job.
But that’s what Tim did. He ran the story, and Jimmy dropped right into it, and now she’s wondering if that hit him so hard because sometimes he wants someone else in charge.
“Helpless, tied, watching…” he mentioned all of those things.
Jimmy’s laying back against the sofa cushions, head back, glasses off. Breena scoots around a bit, pushing him a few feet over, so he’s on the far end of the sofa, and she can comfortably lie with her head in his lap. For a few seconds, he just rests there, and then she feels his fingers gently slipping through her hair.
“Mmmm…” That feels nice.
He starts gently rubbing little circles into her scalp, knowing how much she likes having her head rubbed, especially at the end of a long day.
She licks her lips, debating if she should just let him think about it, or if she should ask and see what happens.
Ask. This works best if they talk. “You know I like it when you tie me up and play with me.”
“I never asked but… would you like that?”
His head shifts off the back of the sofa, so he’s looking at her, surprise on his face. “You don’t like doing that.”
“I know, but, I never asked; do you like being on the subbing side of it. Maybe… That could be why you slipped into it so fast and hard. If you like it, but I don’t, it’s something you want that I’m not giving you, and you’re not getting it at work anymore, so…”
He’s holding up his hands, looking appalled. “Getting it at work?”
“Not sex. Just, if you like having someone make the decisions and tell you what to do. If you like playing the game instead of making the rules… You used to do that every day, and you don’t, now.”
“Oh. Um…” He’s never thought much about that, let alone in any context along these lines. “It’s not something I’ve ever looked for. I don’t jerk off to fantasies of you tying me up and telling me what to do.”
She nods. They’ve talked about their fantasies, and it’s nothing he’s ever mentioned.
He thinks about it. It doesn’t feel quite right, but, maybe it’s next to whatever’s going on, or part of it. He thinks some more, gently rubbing Breena’s head, enjoying not driving, and finally comes up with this, “Tim and I have always been equals. Started the same time. Same age. Same low man on the totem pole. I’ve never been in competition with him for anything. I’ve never had to defer to him, not really. And… maybe you’re right, maybe falling into it so fast was wanting to be taken charge of, but, I think feeling weird about it comes from the fact that he’s not supposed to be in charge of me.” He thinks about that more, the second, third and this morning’s story hadn’t hit Jimmy as hard, but they also didn’t weird him out. Him and Tim and Abby, that was fine. Watching (in the fantasy) Tim and Abby sixty-nine with Breena, that was hot, and it’s not hitting him the way the first story did.
“Do an experiment with me?”
Breena smiles up at him. “Always. Tonight?”
He shakes his head. “Tonight I think we’re resting until we’ve got enough energy to brush our teeth, then going upstairs to bed and crashing.”
“Sounds like a plan. So, what’s the experiment?”
“Tomorrow, the next day, when you’re feeling inspired, tell me a story where you or Abby takes over. I want to see how that hits me.”
When they get home, Tim’s not exactly feeling sexy. Mostly he’s feeling tired. They put Kelly to bed as soon as they got in, and he’s thinking that’s what he’s going to do with himself, too.
Unpacking can wait for tomorrow.
Everything else can wait for tomorrow.
Abby seems to be on the same page he is with this. It’s 9:30 and she’s brushing her teeth, getting ready for bed. He joins her on that, tossing off his clothing, ready to crash.
They’re in bed, and have been for about a minute, and he’ll admit a good long sleep, especially with work tomorrow morning, sounds really good.
But, as he’s starting to drift one thought hits, and it gets his lips moving from his usual sleeping routine of pressed to the back of Abby’s neck to kissing her.
She murmurs something, not really words, but not ‘back off’ either. On the second try she gets out, “Thought you’d be all fucked out.”
He smiles a little. “I am.” He lays a wet kiss on the back of her neck. “But I want you to know that it’s still you. It’s always you. I love them, and I want Breena, and that was insanely hot, but at the end of the day, at the end of the journey, it’s you.”
He feels her smile, and then she rolls over to face him, her lips finding his. “Always you.”
It’s slow, and sleepy, and compared to the sex this weekend, nothing special, just their average, late night, checking back in with each other, sex. But that’s the point of it, too. It’s them with each other, coming back to each other, and that matters more than all the firework sex on earth.
Or like Jimmy had said to him, ‘We went home and made love and nothing had changed, I was still hers, and she was mine, and we hadn’t lost anything.’
And, as he’s drifting off, he knows that there’s probably a lot of thinking left to do about this weekend, but his bedrock is still there. Nothing was lost, and a lot was gained, and he’s eager to see where this goes next.